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Friday, January 14, 2011

Beaver Fever

Yesterday, I wrote about how Family Guy and American Dad are sloppy satires as compared to other satires seen in literature and entertainment. With this thought in mind, I feel I was slightly too harsh on the subject, especially because I do not have a renowned satire to back up my judgment. Therefore, I told myself that I would write a satire and after seeing the 20-something posters of Justin Bieber in my sister's room, I knew what to write about. Here is a possible satirical newspaper article regarding the obsessiveness of those stuck in "Bieber Fever." Tell me what you think:

It seems as if another plague has broken out in the history of the world. With the black plague in Europe and the plague here in the Americas that caused many Indian tribes to die out almost completely, another epidemic has hit America to open up the new year. "Beaver Fever," as it is referred to because of the buildup of merchandise after initial contact with the plague, strikes again after a Christmas concert in Atlanta. Thousands of fans of Justin Bieber experienced the beginning symptoms of the plague at Phillips Arena while making numerous purchases of his merchandise. In a related story, the stock market continues to crash, leaving only Pampers Pull-ups and Bieber merchandise at an all time high.
After those symptoms, victims start to have more serious symptoms. More often than not, they become permanent characteristics. Victims begin to become "zombies," only focused on things with the Bieber insignia on it. Followed by that, victims revolve their lives around this one star, replacing all everyday items with items of his insignia. Before long, the victim is in a trance that cannot be broken; soon enough, thousands of dollars are spent on Bieber merchandise.
While thousands of young ladies ages 10-21 (ages may vary) continue to fall victim to this epidemic, doctors are working hard to find a cure but currently none can be found. "This epidemic is worse than the Black Plague or any other sickness, even chicken pox," said Dr. Dre, "I'm not sure if there can be a permanent vaccine to this disease." Usher, who is believed to be the sole contributor to this epidemic has not given any statements. "Mr. Usher is not and will not provide any statement to any epidemic that does not have any relation to him," his agent said to US Weekly, "We will not saying anything until proven to have any relation to this problem."
Currently, HazMat teams are taking into custody any victims to prevent further expansion. They are being taken to a remote location off the coast of Florida in a military facility to further isolate the virus. It seems not many people know what is going on and how dangerous this situation is. Kanye West gave a statement saying, "Man, this here is so crazy s---! I do not know what is going on, but the ladies just will not talk to me anymore. My only lady friend left is Beyonce." The FBI is asking anyone with information regarding to this epidemic to please contact the Fever Helpline at 1-800-HELPME1 or your local authorities. Currently doctors advise you to stay away from these concerts at all costs while so cities are actually mass burning the merchandise prior to concerts hoping the disease will not spread. "Do not go to or anywhere near these concerts," Dr. Dre implied, "For your own good, stay away and avoid anyone attempting to go near these places. In fact, take confine them anyway you can, to stop this disease now." Will this epidemic ever be solved? We may never know, but we can only hope.

1 comment:

  1. 22 :) and if this was really contagious, u might have to lock me up in a pod with a straight jacket on and throw me to the bottom of the ocean :/